“It’s just a joke.”
Well actually, it’s not. Sexist and rape jokes and sexist behaviour continue to be a prevalent part of society. Recently, there have been several revelations of sexual violence and inappropriate behaviour emerging after years of silence. Underlying behaviours of sexism are often ignored. This behaviour and the jokes are not funny. Other than being offensive and highly triggering for survivors of sexual violence, it is a contributing factor to the high rates of sexual violence that occurs, as outlined in our previous article.
Calling out this behaviour is a daunting task but an important one. When we do, we are reinforcing that sexism and sexual assault are not laughing matters and have no place in our society. There isn’t a perfect way to call people out, and it can be difficult if you aren’t used to it. In my experience of calling out, I have learnt some key lessons.
1. Be calm and respectful
If you’re like me, hearing sexist jokes might make you want to scream. But it always helps to approach it in a calmer manner. Once, I was on a date with a guy who made 3 rape jokes in the first hour (e.g. “Did you want to meet during the day in case I was a rapist?” and “That alley looks like a rape dungeon”). Each time, I felt like snapping but swallowed it (as we so often do). By the 3rd joke, I finally built up the courage and said “Hey, I know you mean it as a joke but sexual assault is a really serious issue and I don’t think it’s a joking matter.” He began to defend himself by saying it was just a joke so we sat down and I explained the pyramid to him (even drew it in the sand). This outlines that rape jokes and sexist behaviour are the building blocks of a pyramid which contributes to the high rates of sexual violence. By the end of it, he had a much better understanding of how his jokes could be harmful and it went a lot better than if I had snapped at him.
2. But you should be firm
I have found that most people are receptive to the approach above but this is not always the case. A friend of mine at a café had a colleague who would label each female customer as ‘doable’ or undoable’ (I’ve tidied the language). She pulled him aside numerous times to tell him his behaviour was inappropriate and made everyone uncomfortable. But it continued. Eventually, she had to put her foot down and tell him that if he continued, she would be filing a complaint with the Australian Human Rights Commission. After that, he stopped.
3. Brace yourself and back yourself
It is awful but the reality is, when you call out sexist jokes or behaviour, you need to brace yourself for the backlash, especially if you identify as female. As in the article by Forbes labelled ‘The Girl’s Guide To Calling Out Sexism Without Being Attacked’, women who call out behaviour are often subject to the very behaviour they are calling out. One of my worst ‘calling out’ incidents ended with me in tears after I was viciously labelled with the incredibly insensitive word ‘feminazi’. So, brace yourself. But also, back yourself. Understand that calling out is incredibly important and that there are others who support you. Find your support networks and utilise them during these situations.
4. Support and lean in for others
You are not in this alone. Luckily for us, there are plenty of great people out there calling out behaviour. If this happens, it is important that we support them, especially if the above backlash starts to occur. I recall one time at a bar with a group of male friends. One of the guys made a joke that if his girlfriend got pregnant, he’d throw her down the stairs. I automatically called out ‘Hey! That’s so awful!” I got looks from everyone as if to say, “calm down”. But then another friend chimed in, “That’s seriously messed up, you wouldn’t do that so you shouldn’t say it”. That’s all it took. Everyone else started nodding in agreement and the guy who made a joke sheepishly apologised. Calling out can be terrifying, especially in a group situation, and the support of others is so important.
5. Give yourself a break
It’s important to acknowledge and understand that it’s okay if you don’t always call out inappropriate behaviour. Once you start calling it out, you’ll see inappropriate behaviour everywhere. You’re only human and it’s okay if you’re not feeling up to it today. The hope is that we can get more people calling out this behaviour so the responsibility isn’t on just a few of us. We acknowledge that calling out sexist behaviour is demanding and emotional so make sure you also practice self care by spending time with friends that share your views and spend time debriefing the encounter and how you feel about it.
Ultimately, in the words of Martin Luther King Jr, “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends”. So, for your friends, family and for society don’t be silent and speak out against the underlying causes of sexual violence.