I found the word Sapphic and it spoke to the witch in my blood
Spoke to the ways my existence has always felt like an act of resistance
I am a queer South Asian woman and these things should not have to exist in a dichotomy
And yet, there is a home I find in other queer South Asian people
An act of discovery that still feels like magic, like the moment before the box is open, like a thousand
possibilities
It should not have to feel like a miracle to find this kind of familiarity
This jolt of freedom and hope
To say “you look like me and you love like me, and maybe that means this place I have to carve out
for myself does not have to be lonely”
People say pride is an unnecessary thing
But do not consider how many fights are still being fought
Being queer is not a tragic reality but too often we are made a tragedy
People say pride is an unnecessary thing
But do not realize the unparalleled joy of community
I was nineteen when same-sex marriage was eventually passed as a law in this country
That was not a long time ago
I was too old to be hopeful
It is hard to be hopeful when you are fifteen and have debate class about your right to exist in a
space
It is hard to be hopeful when you are a child and never met a queer adult accepted by their
community
But like I said, queerness is not a tragedy
But we are often pigeonholed into one story
I have known I was queer since I was a child
I came out at the age of fourteen
Came out again at twenty-two
And I have never forgotten the way the air came back to me each time
Shame is a taught thing and we unravel it in pride
Unravel the spaces in us which still feel like they do not deserve to be here
I was out dancing with my friends
Made eye contact with another queer woman
Kissed her on the platform of the dance floor and never felt more free
I do not forget that it is a privilege to be able to live out loud
I do not forget it is a privilege to walk off that platform and not fear for my life
I hate that it is a privilege that I have to acknowledge
I hate that I cannot talk about queer joy and freedom without also acknowledging the ways the
the world tries to make us small
I sat down to write a poem about joy and realized I do not know how to explain the depth of my joy
without unpacking my grief
I reacquainted myself with the rainbow, held its hand, and wondered how long I had felt
uncomfortable in these colors and could not place the feeling
My queerness tastes like sunlight now
Like wading into the ocean and hearing it speak back to me
Like an eradication of shame, I did not know I still carried
There is a lightness in my chest now
Champagne bubbles and a soft exhalation
Every line of every poem that I did not know I was writing
I am not an American but I will never forget learning about Stonewall
Never forget the knowledge that pride started with a trans woman of color
That pride started with a riot
My joy feels like defiance
I do not think all queer joy should have to be defiance
But I am also a brown woman
Whose defiance has always been the way I have loved myself
My joy feels like defiance
Feels like a fuck you to all the ways queer people are still hunted
Feels like a fuck you to every creator of media that still does not know how to give us an ending
other than death
Feels like a fuck you to every year I could not be myself
Feels like a fuck you to every person who says that pride is an unnecessary thing
My queer joy feels like love, feels like shelter, feels like a community
Queer joy feels like open hands and a full breath
Queer joy is my heart cracked open
Falling but into softness
It is both the soft exhale
And the sword
Is it any wonder why I’m convinced my queerness is magic?